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Thursday, 2 December 2010

i feel so horrible.

ive been doing ok for the past few days. no strong feelings of death, and been able to eat 'normally' but thismorning... i saw something i wish i never. i dont want to say what. it upsets me to much. i havent told anyone. but i hate myself for it. especially when it could tear apart my family, so near christmas.

I was ment to go see my councellor to get weighed and therapy. but she rang and cancelled because of the snow. I wish i went to see her. i could have done with talking to her today.
ive been trying not to weigh myself because i was trying to gain 3lbs to stay out f hospital. and i got the scales out from under my mams bed and weighed myself... ive gained them.
And i should be happy that im back into the amber zome (i think) not red and not going into hospital.
But i just feel depressed, i hate that ive gained them. Im freaking out! and i dont know what to do :'(.

Current weight - 81lbs
BMI - 15


  1. Ohh lovey :( I'm sorry you're feeling so crap about it.

    But you can't undo having seen your weight, the only thing you can do now is to try and work with it. I hope that doesn't sound silly.

    It's really hard to realise you've gained, but 3lbs is so much better than having to be in hospital.

    Can you give the scales to your mum so you can't check them again?


  2. i know, thanks.
    ill just have to grin and bare it.
    amd my mam thinks there hidden from me. so not really. but i think id go crazy if i never weighed myself! so i wouldnt be able to do that

  3. Yeah, I can understand that need to be weighed.

    Think of it like, if you hadn't gained them, you'd have ended up in hospital and had to gain much more than 3lbs! xxx

  4. Awh 'hugs'. I can relate to how you feel [not that I've been in your situation] but still.

    Hang in there lovely, it'll all be okay. <3

  5. first of all, you cannot see those three pounds. they are most likely water weight or maybe even a little bit of your dancing muscle coming back!

    Im very sorry you are not feeling the best, but this is all for the better. lookk towards the future and remember that list that you made thte other day! Stick it on your mirror so that whenever you feel like bashing yourself, you see all the reasons to keep moving on!

    love you missy!