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Friday, 31 December 2010

dance like its the end of the world.

Im watching riverdancing right now, and i can honestly say it is one of the most beautiful things on this earth! <3
i wish my parents put me in that when i was younger aswell as ballet.
I dont even know if there is anywhere that does riverdancing around my area?
i think i may have to teach myself.

pure amazing.

On the other hand!
Happy New Year!
theres 8 hours left of 2010 if youre in England.
im normally quite scared of the new year! i dont know why, ive always had a phobia of it.
but this year im trying to make it into a posotive.
one of my 2009/10 newyears resolution was to recover from anorexia and get better once and for all, it was going good, mid way through the year, but august time i relapsed again. and am currently at my lowest weight since i was 13. so that didnt work out as planned.
I havent really thought of resolutions for the new year.
But if i go into inpatient on 4th jan when i have my review then its going to be to gain weight and when i get past 40kg's to never go lower than that when i come out.
if i dont go in, then i suspect things will stay the same. and this year i want to make resolutions that im going to be able to do. i want to succeed this year.
A friend Lyssa wrote this for me... i love her. She's amazing.

i hope you all have a great new year! and dont get too drunk! :)
Love from Kay.Dancer <3

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

hello lovlies.

Well i havent posted in ages! i am crap at keeping blogs! or diaries, or anything that i have to do daily. (apart from dancing and anything when it comes to my ed!)

i hope youve all had an amazing christmas! What did you all get? :)
ill put some pics on of xmas day :)
My little sister (in pink) and me (in blue).
Just woke up 5.30am :)

Me with some of my presents.
My sister in the background.
i got a new camera! :)
and Ghost whisperer box set, and some lovley new dance clothes.
and others.

So thats christmas day...
it was great! and i ate most of my christmas dinner as well as a prawn cocktail!
first year in 4 years that ive ate it. thats a  good sign right?

Boxing day i got very drunk!
Heres some pics from that...

And i also went on a photoshot for a dancing company :) which was amazing!
they havent sent me most of the pictures, because of copyright and the fact i was wearing their costumes.
But they sent me some of the shot :)

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Merry Christmas!

sory i havent updated, but i am now! :)
when i wet to A&E they made me stay in over night. because they wouldnt get my blood results until morning, but i ate everything they gave me and my bloods were ok so they let me out the day after :)
i had to eat coco pops wth full fat milk on the night.
they woke me up twice to drink 2 full glasses of full fat milk because my blood sugar was low, then i had toast with butter and a apple. then 1/2 a jacket potato with tuna and full fat milk :(.
i could have cried inside, but i fooled them! hospitals are so easy to fool they have no idea about ed's! if i was in inpatient it would be a different matter though!

i had to go to hospital again monday and ment to go today but the snows bad so ive cancelled. and my councellor said on the phone
"can you not get down at all? i dont know what to do with you now, im going to have a meeting about your weight loss and see what happens from there"
im starting to think if i did go today she would have put me in inpatient. So thankgod of the snow! (i loveyou snow :))
i went to the doctors this morning for bloods and to get weighed.
ive been eating alot more trying to gain abit of weight, i wore my heaviest jeans and retained water and ive still lost a lb!
i dont understand, ive ate LOADS this week, ive been under constant supervision by my parents. how could i lose a lb?
So theres another reason im glad im not going to the ed hospital today.

And well its only 3 more days until the Jolly old fat man comes down our climneys! ;)

Love you all!

Friday, 17 December 2010

i am so scared.

Last night i went kind of crazy and cut my arms.
but ive jsut been to the hospital today to see my councellor and ive lost 1/2 stone in 10 days.
she said my bodies going into survival mode and shes woried about me.
I have to go to A&E in a hour and im so scared incase they take me in.
my mam said that if i lose any more weight before newyears shes putting me in hospital aswell.
So if you dont hear from me...

Stay safe.
love you all

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Insight into Inpatient.

For those of you who havent yet been in ipatient. i went to look round the inpatient ward on friday and it reminded me of when i was in previously. so i thought id tell you what its like. and remind myself, so i can try harder to not get put in.

When i was in a hospital (Not ED inpatient) i was on bedrest 24/7 if i needed the toilet a nurse took me in a wheelchair and watched me while i was on the toilet. i couldnt shower or bathe alone. incase i did something or made myself sick. I wasnt aloud off the ward. I had a NG tube (feeding tube going through my nose into my stomach) it hurts when they shove it down! and the feeding bags they put in have 3000+ kcls in per bag. But i kept riping that out.  Bloods done every morning, and a prick on your finger every 4 hours to see your blood sugar levels. You have to eat everything on your plate and a nurse sits with you and watches you. 4 glasses of fullfat milk a day. or anytime your blood sugar is low.

the ward that i was in had zones.
Red Zone - No privilages, in a wheel chair all of the time. Eating in a small room with a member of staff.
Amber Zone - Have privilages (like mobiles and visits) but only if you eat. Not in a wheel chair. Eating in the comunal dining room with other patients.
Green Zone - Have visits home and trips out.
Gold Zone - Allowed to go home and at a 'safe weight'

Im currently in the red zone, but managing to stay out of hospital for now.
Eating plans are horrible. you have to eat EVERYTHING on your plate. wether you like it or not.
theres Breakfast (then rest for 30mins). Snack - usually chocolate. Lunch(rest for 1hr). Snack - muffin or chocolate bar. Dinner(rest for 1hr). Supper.
They have alot of takeaway meals like curries and pizza. You have to eat a chocolate bar a day. And gain a certain amount of weight each week. If you dont gain then privilages are taken away from you. Youre only allowed your phone certain times of the day.
If you get sectioned, its the worst thing in the world. Under constant supervision. If you cry or go mad when they try to feed you your dinner they will hold you down and give you an injection to calm down.
You can only shower for certain amounts of times depending on which zone youre in, but in ed wards normally nobody watches you shower or go to the toilet.

That's just a preview.
I hope none of you ever end up in inpatient from this.

Friday, 10 December 2010

Todays been total bollocks.

I went to the Ed hospital today and was talking to my councellor.
I frigging nearly passed out didnt i.
I feel so stupid now! She was concerned about my physicals and so she did a blood sugar test, told my dad i hadnt ate in 2 days and showed me round the inpatient ward. Am i fuck going in there!!
She then made me go to A&E to get bloods, b/p, blood sugar again. and to get checked over.
Ive just got home so ive been there for 5 hours.
My blood sugar and b/p was too low. but i promised i would eat and stop dancing for a while.

So yeah.
Shit Day!

Thursday, 9 December 2010


Right now im really tired!
I weighed myself this morning im now 77lbs (lost 4lbs) BMI 14.
I always thought the 70's as being small but now they just seem huge to me.
i think in the 60's i will be ok.

I had Panto rehersals today. I cryed, Alot.
dont know why, ive been in a really horrible mood latley and just dont want to talk to anyone.
In panto theres 2 teams (team holly and team ivy. ) Im in team Holly and we had our dress rehersals today. Team ivy  were watching the performance.
i hated every moment i was on stage.
My teacher said i didnt have to go on for today if i could get someone to cover my part. But noone else knows my lines apart from a girl in team ivy who wasnt here. So i went on stage with my lovley puffy eyes and red face.

Ive got singing lessons tomorrow morning, then im at hospital and going back to college for panto rehersals then going to dancing as ive got rehersals for that aswell. (dancing shows on sunday, panto shows start monday).

i just want to go to bed and stay there. i dont want to go anywhere. im just too depressed

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Sorry for not posting!

ive been really busy with dancing rehersals and panto rehersals!
but ive got soe time now, so i thought id write a bit :)

i went to the busstop thismorning, as you do to get your college bus! and the frigging driver had told us LASTNIGHT when i wasnt on the bus to go to a differeent busstop, all the other way accross town because one of the roads is closed. so i didnt know and missed my bus.
and weve got Tech rehersals!! so im in trouble.
In at hospital at 11am - 12 am for a dietric assessment, i think she wants to do me a diet plan. arr. she can bugger off!
then im going into college for rehersals, then im at dancing tonite. yay :)

im currently sat singing, im recording Old pecking - barbra streisand in the recording studio today.  and its hard haha! the lyrics are just mental.

hope youre all having a wonderful day!
Lots of love

Saturday, 4 December 2010

My bedroom is flooded.

Yup. It sure is! :(
were getting a new power shower installed (yay).
But my dad is a noob and tryed to install it himself.
he turned the water on and a pipe burst in my attick. Water is dripping through my bedroom celing turning my pink wallpaper brown and flooding my floor.
it also happens to be dripping on the wall where all the electricals are and my TV. So there currently smoking.
(please dont set on fire and burn me in my sleep yeah?)
Water is also dripping down onto the ground floor into the dining room! What a lovley suprise.

On a better note, my boss called and said i dont need to work tonite because of the snow.
and my dad's just ordered me Thumbelina :D!! <3
i love that film haha. when i was a little child i watched it so many times the video wouldnt work anymore. and i wouldnt let my dad put it in the bin haha.

Hope youre all ok lovlies!
Take care :)

Help a PT mamma out? :)

A girl from prettythin made a post yesterday asking for help!
Here's her story.

I have been writing for a website to earn money and save up. I have saved almost $700 and bought my two kids (a 3 year old and 18 month old) a new carseat. I am 29 weeks pregnant with a little girl (Averly) and will be buying her carseat this coming week.

Anyways, I have worked my butt off on these articles and writing, and now, they're having a contest where you can win $1500, $1000 and $500 for being nominated and having your content nominated by people.

My baby is due Valentine's Day and I literally have nothing for her except some cloth diapers I made and a baby carrier left from my son. I need to get her some clothes (or material to make clothes) and a bouncer. Those are pretty much my priorities for her.

If you guys would be amazing.... and nominate me, I would love you forever! You have to create an account and then view my profile:

and click the "Nominate Samantha Van Vleet for a Yahoo Contributor Award." Then scroll through my articles, find one you like and click "Nominate this Article as Content of the Year."

I have worked really hard and I think I have a chance at this, I just need some help getting noticed!!!! I'd appreciate it SOOOO much!!!!

Ive just made an account, all you have to do is enter yor email and name and a password!
its really easy, then go back onto that link and click nominate!

So please help her out? its nice to know youre helping someone in a sticky situation.

Thankyou lovlies!

Friday, 3 December 2010

I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on.

Helloo lovlies!
im feeling alot better from yesterday, all you lovlies from here and prettythin have cheered me up!
Today ive not done much really, been on the sims for a while, and my girls now a professional ballet dancer (yayy!) and i was making her do yoga, was rather funny tbh! :)

and ive just got back from dancing. Been great
we learned some new dances, one to Fame and others to Avenue Q.
Ive got a busy Schedual for a while!
Im bored so im going to bore you with it! ;)

Sat 4th Dec - free all day (yay) working 5pm - 11pm
Sun 5th Dec - working 11am - 5pm Sleeping at a friends.
Mon 6th Dec - Panto rehersals at college 9am - 4.30pm. Then strait to dancing 5.30pm - 8.00pm
Tues 7tht Dec - Panto 9am - 4.30pm.(but at hospital 11.00 - 12.00) Then dancing again 6.30pm - 8.30pm
Wed 8th Dec - Panto 9am - 6.10pm (but at hospital 11.30 - 12.30)
Thurs 9th Dec - (ment to be the first matanee show but its cancelled because we havent had relersals cos of snow) - Panto rehersals 9am - 6.10pm
Fri 10th Dec - Panto rehersals 9am - 4.30pm. The to dancing 6.00pm - 8.30pm (dress rehersals)
Sat 11th Dec - Work 5.00pm - 1.00pm
Sun 12th Dec -Dance rehersals then Dancing Show! Yayy! :D 9am - 9pm
Mon 13th to Fri 17th Dec - 2 Shows a day for Panto at college!!

Gahh !! im going to be so tired! :(

Hope youre all ok!
Love Kay.Dancer<3

Thursday, 2 December 2010

i feel so horrible.

ive been doing ok for the past few days. no strong feelings of death, and been able to eat 'normally' but thismorning... i saw something i wish i never. i dont want to say what. it upsets me to much. i havent told anyone. but i hate myself for it. especially when it could tear apart my family, so near christmas.

I was ment to go see my councellor to get weighed and therapy. but she rang and cancelled because of the snow. I wish i went to see her. i could have done with talking to her today.
ive been trying not to weigh myself because i was trying to gain 3lbs to stay out f hospital. and i got the scales out from under my mams bed and weighed myself... ive gained them.
And i should be happy that im back into the amber zome (i think) not red and not going into hospital.
But i just feel depressed, i hate that ive gained them. Im freaking out! and i dont know what to do :'(.

Current weight - 81lbs
BMI - 15

2010 wonderfuls.

So, 2010 is almost over! :(
but theres still time to do something youve wanted to do!
weve got 29 days left!
So what do you want to achieve this year? weight related or not.
My goal before 2011 hits is - 1.) To take my little sister to the cinema. we never spend time together, even though she always asks me to. 
2.) To perfect my tripple Pirouette on Pointe and split leaps.

Whats made you smile in 2010? 

The best memory from this yeah has to be my prom! it was such an amazing night! <3id relive it every single day if i could. (im the one in the middle blue dress).

 The thing thats made me smile the most was the Cabaret Performance, in October this year. I was most certainly in my eliment.
<During rehersals of Dont Stop Believing.
Im 4th from the right (blue cropped top and black trousers)


I think ill always love this photo. This was the Finale lift of Prince Charming - Adam and the Ants.
We all walked off the stage, then Me and the boy ran back on did this and kissed then ran back off.

And its also that time of year to set yourself goals for the new year!
My 3 goals are. - 1.) To get better. (this was also this years goal)
2.) To get atleast high merits mostly Distinctions in my Musical Theatre course.
3.) To save up money! because i cant, have to have ateast £250 by the end of the year!

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Motivation to get better.

At councelling i did a sheet of where my life would be in 5 years time depending on which path i choose to follow.

Heres mine i did..

Also, rest in peace david. died 1st december 2010. 13 years old. From Cancer. Never be forgotten.

Dirty Dancing.

So ive got my Dirty Dancing soundtrack and a Christmas CD.
Sat listening to them now :) <3
i didnt have alot to eat yesterday, and i feel bad because im trying to gain.
well ... i think i feel bad?
So ive just ate Chicken and rice - 492kcls.
abit anxious, but its ok. im taking my mind off it,
Im off colege today because of the snow, its shut!
if i was stil in school, id be buzzing right now. but I WANT TO BE AT COLLEGE!! Gahh!

Im going to go make a Brocolli Quiche for my mam. she keeps nagging me to do one.
Then im going to dance all afternoon.
my dancing show is in 11 days! some of the songs included are Fame, and a few songs from Avenue Q.
im really excited about it!!

Also ive been listening to Angelis, there a children singing chior. and they sound so beautiful and relaxing.
i think i might have to try and sing one of their songs off their album :)

I tooksome pictures today. and i think for the first time i can actually see i look abit too thin.. erm? i dont know, that actually scares me writing that! i dont know why. Well my arm does, i dont really know about anything else.

Quote of the day - An apple a day keeps the doctor away! :)

Hope youre all ok!
Lotts of Love